Earth- Mass panic ensued among Christians last Sunday when God issued a formal statement from Heaven saying that His pure and sublime love, on which millions of people depend, will no longer be provided unconditionally.
"If you want my love you're going to have to earn it," said God, backed by a chorus of Seraphim who continuously sang His praise. "This generally involves being a good person, and making at least one genuine attempt to benefit humanity over the course of your painfully short lives."
The termination of His divine love came as a startling shock to the roughly 1.9 billion Christians around the world who have grown accustomed to waking up every morning to the warm and comforting embrace of an infallible, omnipotent being of indescribable power who cares about each and every one of them on a deeply personal level.
"I was always told that God was the only person who loved me more even more than I love myself, but I guess that's not the case anymore," said Luke Benet, 4th generation Christian. "This worries me because I think it means I'll have to actually take stock in myself, and maybe even start giving a damn."
Prior to the revocation, God's transcendent love was forcibly showered upon every person on Earth with no stipulations, costs, or behavioral expectations. This generous distribution format, referred to by God as the "Free Love" model, had been maintained by God for over 2,000 years. Now many who have taken His love for granted are pitifully looking for ways to earn it back.
"I've already sacrificed a few stray cats, but who knows if that's the sort of thing an omnipotent being would like," said Nate Rogers, church-goer and racquetball enthusiast. "If only He left us with a more concrete set of guidelines, or maybe some rules that we could follow in order to please Him, then maybe I wouldn't be caught whistling in the dark."
